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In 1971, Phone Mate introduced one of the first commercially viable answering machines, the Model 400.It weighed 10 pounds and held 20 messages on a reel-to-reel tape.Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten Twinkle, Twinkle little star, bet your wondering where we are? Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. (Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom.Well, put your mouth up to the phone And leave us a message for when we get home. (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. POW, BIFF.) You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.

Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. 01/31/05 - Poopy Mc Pooperson from Uranus: wow im an idiot 01/30/05 - Jesse Madrid from Woodland: This Website was not helpful! 1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time 01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head, The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.

He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...

Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a Play Girl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over. 12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back! 12/08/04 - Nate Adkins from Le Sage, WV: "Advanced Auto Parts this is Jeff, just joking its (your name) leave a message" 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. 12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: h Ay Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! 12/04/04 - dev from home: hilarious 12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. (that'll confuse them) 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: (with loud music playing in backround) Hello? 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at 5 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only

Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. 01/31/05 - Poopy Mc Pooperson from Uranus: wow im an idiot 01/30/05 - Jesse Madrid from Woodland: This Website was not helpful! 1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time 01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head, The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.

He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...

Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a Play Girl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over. 12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back! 12/08/04 - Nate Adkins from Le Sage, WV: "Advanced Auto Parts this is Jeff, just joking its (your name) leave a message" 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. 12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: h Ay Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! 12/04/04 - dev from home: hilarious 12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. (that'll confuse them) 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: (with loud music playing in backround) Hello? 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at 5 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only [[

Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. 01/31/05 - Poopy Mc Pooperson from Uranus: wow im an idiot 01/30/05 - Jesse Madrid from Woodland: This Website was not helpful! 1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time 01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head, The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.

He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...

Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a Play Girl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over. 12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back! 12/08/04 - Nate Adkins from Le Sage, WV: "Advanced Auto Parts this is Jeff, just joking its (your name) leave a message" 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. 12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: h Ay Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! 12/04/04 - dev from home: hilarious 12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. (that'll confuse them) 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: (with loud music playing in backround) Hello? 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at $125 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

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Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. 01/31/05 - Poopy Mc Pooperson from Uranus: wow im an idiot 01/30/05 - Jesse Madrid from Woodland: This Website was not helpful! 1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time 01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head, The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a Play Girl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over. 12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back! 12/08/04 - Nate Adkins from Le Sage, WV: "Advanced Auto Parts this is Jeff, just joking its (your name) leave a message" 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. 12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: h Ay Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! 12/04/04 - dev from home: hilarious 12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. (that'll confuse them) 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: (with loud music playing in backround) Hello? 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at $125 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

]].95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

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